Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
