I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
