Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
