I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
