i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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