Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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