She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
