I just made out with a guy for $7.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Randomize
