from now on my penis is your penis
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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