I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
