i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
