My nipple is on Facebook.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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