remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
