I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
