I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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