He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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