The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
