Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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