I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Boobs speak an international language.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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