she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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