I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
