tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
