apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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