She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
