just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Everclear isn't food dammit
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
