I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
