The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
