Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
