she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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