Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
