I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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