When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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