just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
