I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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