Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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