ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
