If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
