First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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