Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
