note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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