Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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