I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Sorry my hands just texted you
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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