I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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