just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My vagina is officially offended.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
