I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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