The maid of honor just puked.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
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