you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
