My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i need some magic done to my vagina
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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