I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
