so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
