those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
