is your mom at the bar?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
