The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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