This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
