White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
