I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
