im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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